So why is it my favourite part in movies and not real life? Well in movies you get a pretty montage. In real life, you just cry, a lot. haha
Tuesday, day, was fantastic! I had breakfast with my best friend. We went window shopping. After seeing her I popped over to my Grandma's we had a catch up, she gave me her old suitcases that I have been eyeing up for years! We went to the beach and had Gelato. In my mind I was happy and content. My blog was at a great place, I was excited and looking forward to the future. I was finally passed all that had happened the year prior and I had worked my ass off to enjoy this moment.
You all know how much I've been looking forward to New Zealand. I walked through those doors that night and was told the news. New Zealand was postponed. Devastated. I don't usually get my hopes up but I had for this trip, telling everyone I could "Hey look! I get a holiday!" but that was scattered before my eyes. I cried. I went to bed. I woke up eager to make Wednesday mine.
Enter. Panic attack at work. I won't go into it as it makes me anxious. But I was unprepared. Humiliated. Embarrassed. Mad. Let down. I had all those thoughts from last year again. "I'm a failure. I'm not good enough. The managers are avoiding me. Everyone here hates me. I'm a waste of space. What if I get fired". I was so distraught that I had been plucked up and put in this position again that I had tried to get out of since it was all last years bad memories. I rushed home after my shift that night to rant. Thinking I was safe.
"The owners called. They have to sell the house. We need to move again."
These words uttered were the final brick being pulled out of what I had believed was a stable house I had built around me. It all came shattering down.
I cried again.
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The thing is. The next day I still woke up happy. I know I need to talk to someone about my anxiety and sadness. That will come when I am ready to talk about it to a stranger. But I was okay to pick myself up. All those posts I wrote saying I could handle this year. I actually believe. If it had been the same time last year, we would see my on my bed sulking. Blogging would've stopped. I would be constantly complaining to my friends.
Enough is enough and I've learnt I am stronger, that yes anything that will go wrong will probably go wrong. I studied events and you have to prepare for the worst. Now I know however that when it does, it just keeps equipping me for getting better when the next wrong thing happens in my life. I can move on. We can make plans again and have something to look forward to.
I deserve happiness. I will fight for it. I will cry and be bruised. But in the end I will never stop fighting.
And I love myself and my struggles every day for this knowledge and experience.
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Woah that turned into an essay/creative writing didn't it! haha So yes, no New Zealand vlogs next month *sad face* hoping to change the trip to around January next year, pray for me guys I need a holiday! haha. Moving house for the 9th time as well. Was finally happy with my room and was going to film a room tour but you all will just have to wait won't you ;P and work is still shit. But we can deal with it and just think, every time I go in there I'm getting money for Europe. JUST THINK ABOUT EUROPE.
Let me know ways to move on and defeat this mess in the comments so I can distract myself better!
Love Always,
P.s. seriously thank you to all off you. Both my IRL friends who let me rant and to all my new friends online/ on twitter. You left me such sweet comments and you all let me PM you with rants and sadness. You all helped me move on much faster than I would have without you. All my love.